I avoid conflict like the plague. It is not in my nature to seek conflict; it is in my nature to hold hands and sing “Kumbaya.” That’s a bit of an exaggeration, but perhaps illustrates my point. Conflict brings me great anxiety, so I will tip toe around it, which can invariably lead to trouble.
Avoiding conflict means avoiding having tough conversations. The more those yucky conversations are avoided, the more the problem festers, which can lead to additional (and unnecessary) frustration and disappointment. If we avoid the conversation, then we have ownership in the problem continuing. Best to “swallow the frog,” as a friend of mine likes to say.
This post was started nearly a week ago, before I knew that I would be attending a session dedicated to tough coaching conversations. The session, coupled with a podcast episode by Mel Robbins, are leaving me feeling better equipped to tackle those inevitable tough conversations.
These conversations are most definitely part of the instructional coaching work that I do, and (obviously) part of any other relationship: marriage, friendship, parenting, and work relationships. When I reflect on the tough conversations I was part of this past week, I’m patting myself on the back for a few moves I practiced which happen to align with what I’m learning about tough conversations.
The following are a list of recommendations for entering tough conversations, based on advice from Judy Ringer, Mel Robbins… and me!
- Decide which topics are worth the conversation. Depending on the relationship, there may be several topics that could be addressed. Weigh each topic carefully, particularly based on the impact it is having on you. Choose one.
- Prepare and practice. Know, ahead of time, what your goal for the conversation is. From The Difficult Conversation Revisited, by Judy Ringer: “What do you want to accomplish? What’s your greater purpose for holding the conversation? For example, are you curious about why your conflict partner holds their particular view or behaves the way they do? Would you like them to understand your view or where you differ? Perhaps you’d like to strengthen the relationship.”
- Also from Judy Ringer, “Center yourself before, during and after.” I had great success with this practice this past week. During a few recent difficult conversations, I made sure to take deep breaths with my feet flat on the floor. Additionally, I tried to stay tuned into what was happening to me physically (increased heart rate, sweaty pits and palms, shaky hands) just as a means of awareness. I didn’t try to stop the physical response, but rather be aware of it and “assist” it with deep breathing.
- Keep the conversation “…anchored in something concrete…” As Mel Robbins suggests, be prepared to provide one recent example that provides context for the situation.
- Focus on how the situation you are describing is making you feel, as opposed to focusing on what the other person is doing “wrong.”
- Wrap up the conversation by revisiting your purpose for the conversation, perhaps including the hope you have for its outcome.
- Remember that partaking in a tough conversation is not about changing the other person. We all know that we can’t change others, but having a tough conversation serves to create the conditions in which change is more likely to occur.
As the anniversary of my dad’s death came and went last week, I have been reflecting on the tough conversations that had to occur during the time leading up to his death. One such conversation involved Dad in January of 2024, three months before his death and on the heels of Mom’s passing, when we talked with Dad about moving into an assisted living facility. A few things stand out about one conversation in particular: 1) I sure wish I had been better equipped to be part of the conversation! and 2) how very firm and very clear Dad was about his wishes. He did not want to move into the assisted living facility, but recognized that it was inevitable.
He firmly told us (my siblings and me) that he was willing to move in, but did not want to be treated like a prisoner. He wanted access to his car, and he wanted to have a fair amount of independence. He told us this with a firm voice, while taking some deep breaths, and while rubbing his palms against his jeans… such a classic Dad move. We did our best to honor your requests, Dad. We love you, and miss you so very much.
My dad, Reed Haeger, January 2024
