My reason for today’s post about self-reflection? The opening of Jon Gordon’s 3-25-24 newsletter: “Wherever I go and whatever I do I want to add value. I want to leave people, conversations and places better because I was there.”
This quote and recent interactions have also reminded me of a book that had tremendous impact on me several years ago: A Complaint Free World by Will Bowen. In this book, author Will Bowen challenges his readers to “make the world a complaint-free zone.” No complaining, criticizing, or gossiping. In order to change the habit we so often fall into, Bowen challenges us to wear a purple “complaint-free” bracelet. “If you catch yourself complaining, take the bracelet and move it to the other wrist.” It’s a powerful exercise and one that has had a lasting effect.
As with all worthwhile habits, living complaint free takes time, practice, and nurturing. It’s time to get back to that nurturing. I lent my copy of the book to a friend years ago, but I’m recognizing it’s time to revisit it again. It’ll land in my Amazon cart soon.
Self-reflection is a topic that I’ve written about in the past; the topic is worming its way into my head yet again. From a post titled Change, Fear, and Self-Reflection in March 2021, I wrote the following:
“Engaging in self-reflection is a terrific vehicle for embracing change, overcoming fear, and nurturing personal growth. Self-reflection allows us to use past experience to change and grow. Self-reflection will likely result in three outcomes: 1. Criticism of self 2. Praise of self 3. A call to change or refine. An equal amount of all three outcomes could just be the ideal formula. True self-reflection would include some monitoring of each result.
- Criticism of Self: When we self-reflect, we will likely come to a place of regret over something we said or did. This is OK, and ought to happen. We need to monitor ourselves when we sit with this criticism. If we let the criticism fester, we are at risk of tearing ourselves down and landing in that place of inaction. Instead, we need to identify our missteps and make a plan for avoiding them moving forward. Self-criticism is OK; let it lead you to positive action.
- Praise of Self: When we self-reflect, we will likely come to a place of pride over something we said or did. This is OK, and ought to happen. We need to monitor ourselves when we sit with this praise. If we allow praise to be our only focus, we are at risk of falling into arrogance and landing in a place of inaction. Instead, we need to identify our positive impact and make a plan to sustain that impact moving forward. Self-praise is OK; let it lead you to positive action.
- A call to change or refine: When we self-reflect, we will likely come to a place of feeling the need to change or refine those things that we say and do in the future. We need to monitor ourselves when we sit with with this feeling around needing to change or refine. If we allow ourselves to feel this need, but do not develop a plan to execute said change, we are at risk of landing in a place of inaction. Feeling a call to change or refine is GREAT; let it lead you to a clear plan with distinct steps to engage in positive action.”
All of which reminds me of advice from George Couros: “Success does not happen by accident but by habit. We have to be intentional in our interactions, not only with others but ourselves. It is okay to be hard on yourself and have high expectations, but that differs from beating yourself up. It is normal to let others’ criticisms get to us, but do not let it stop you from doing something great. The world needs your light to shine.”
I continue to question my words and actions in all things personal and professional. Did I engage in that conversation with listening ears? Did I seek to understand rather than seek to be understood? Was I honest and authentic rather than harsh and judgmental?
I am fortunate enough to end each week in conversation with administrators and fellow instructional coaches. As a result of those conversations, I am often able to bounce out of school on a Friday afternoon with much to think about regarding my own self-reflection. And these conversations occur on Friday, which often inspires an extra bounce in my step!
In a recent conversation, we discussed the “Plan, Teach, Reflect” cycles that we are engaging in as a result of our current Systems Coaching model. I was reminded that self-reflection is not something that can be “forced” on others. Humans are a diverse breed: some are naturally introspective, some are not. As we interact with and lead both groups of individuals, awareness of levels of introspection, without prejudgment, is beneficial in guiding conversations.
In fact, as one administrator pointed out, demanding that others be more self-reflective is as futile as demanding that students try harder. If a person lacks a skill, how can they try harder at it or do more of it?
I cannot control the actions of others, but I can control how I respond. In that vane, I can focus on 2 things: 1) awareness of my own level of introspection and 2) how I conduct myself in the presence of those who I perceive to avoid self-reflection.